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Cookie0815 Offline

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29.01.2008 18:42
funnies Zitat · Antworten

.... the internet obviously has its pros and cons... ;o))...and so does google maps..... but see for yourselves...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPgV6-gnQaE

Ricky Offline

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29.03.2008 12:31
#2 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

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Cookie0815 Offline

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29.03.2008 12:35
#3 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

...and then people are wondering why the world needs professional translators... ;o)))

Thanks, Ricky - this definitely is a good one... ;o)))

Ricky Offline

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29.03.2008 13:01
#4 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

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Ricky Offline

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29.03.2008 17:54
#5 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

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Cookie0815 Offline

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29.03.2008 18:51
#6 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten
How's that again???

The following "carefully worded" statements on insurance forms were penned by drivers who were asked to briefly summarize accident details:

* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
* I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
* I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
* In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge
sprang up obscuring my vision,and I did not see the other car.
* I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have
an accident.
* As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.
I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front,
I struck the pedestrian.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
* I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road.I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
* The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

Cookie0815 Offline

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29.03.2008 18:58
#7 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

Speak after the beep!
Answering Machine Messages

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Ricky Offline

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29.03.2008 20:28
#8 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

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Cookie0815 Offline

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30.03.2008 19:22
#9 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

Goldilocks

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He

looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my

porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He

looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my

porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen

and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this

with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear

who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put

everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch

The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn

table.

"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter

tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs

and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because

I'm only going to say this once....

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE B****Y PORRIDGE YET!!!"

Cookie0815 Offline

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15.04.2008 00:43
#10 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

Und nun noch etwas zum laut Vorlesen.

1. Englisch für Anfänger: (for beginners)

Drei Hexen schauen sich drei Swatch Uhren
an. Welche Hexe schaut welche Swatch Uhr an?

Und nun das Ganze in englisch!

Three witches watch three swatch watches.
Which witch watch which swatch watch?

2. Englisch für Fortgeschrittene: (advanced
english)

Drei geschlechtsumgewandelte Hexen schauen
sich drei Swatch Uhrenknöpfe an. Welche
geschlechtsumgewandelte Hexe schaut sich
welchen Swatch Uhrenknopf an?

Das Ganze wieder in englisch!

Three switched witches watch three Swatch
watch switches. Which switched witch watch
which Swatch watch switch?

3. Englisch im Endstadium: (at the end)

Drei Schweizer Hexen-Schlampen, die sich
wünschen geschlechtsumgewandelt zu sein,
schauen sich schweizer Swatch Uhrenknöpfe
an. Welche schweizer Hexen-Schlampe, die
sich
wünscht geschlechtsumgewandelt zu sein,
schaut sich welche schweizer Swatch
Uhrenknöpfe an?

...das ganze in Englisch:

Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to
be switched swiss witch-bitches, wish to
watch
three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which
swiss witch-bitch which wishes to be a
switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch
which swiss Swatch watch switch?

Cookie0815 Offline

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23.04.2008 18:22
#11 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

Three women: one engaged, one married, and
one a mistress, are
chatting about their relationships and decide
to amaze their
men....that night all three will wear a
leather bodice S&M style,
stilettos and mask over their eyes .After a
few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other
night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice,
4' stilettos and mask.
He said, 'You are the woman of my life,
I love you...then we made
love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other
night we met in his office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega
stilettos, mask over my eyes and
a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he
didn't say a word. We just
had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other
night I sent the kids to stay
at my mother's for the night, I got
myself ready, leather bodice,
super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV
controller and a beer,
and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for
dinner?'

Ricky Offline

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05.05.2008 21:52
#12 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

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Cookie0815 Offline

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13.05.2008 20:44
#13 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, "What might ye be sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You're doing well ... only two left."

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish!

Cookie0815 Offline

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14.06.2008 19:10
#14 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his arse again!'

If you don't laugh at this one there is no hope for you

Cookie0815 Offline

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03.08.2008 10:47
#15 RE: funnies Zitat · Antworten

Sometimes it pays to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are
senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth
anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk
they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an
armored car, practically landing at their feet.. Sally quickly picked
it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she
counted the money-- fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in
the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the
neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell
out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No..'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from
school yesterday . . '

One agent said to the other: 'Let's get outta here..... He sure is senile'

;o)

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